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“No means no…”

Written by Daniel Otero

“No means no” has become too confusing with this generation

By: Daniel Otero

There was a time when you asked a girl or woman out, and things were much simpler. I understood and knew how to take “No!” for an answer.  Sorry, it was just easier to date and less confusing.  My motto was, always give pursuit, but never harass. I’d give a young lady three different opportunities, focusing on such encounters as: dates, walks in the park/meeting to talk or have a coffee.

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I understood when a female would tell me, “I just want to be friends!” These are mixed messages that all males have to deal with in any culture.  Because in truth and without sounding male chauvinist, women are confusing.  Take things slowly, with a grain of salt and date different people.  Go out with friends, colleagues and don’t make it all about the girl you like.  If she’s interested in you, there’s ways she’ll show it (more on that later).  Keep yourself busy and let her know your time is valuable.  In truth, I don’t like my time wasted.  It pisses me off when somebody does it and neither should you.

When I get that eureka moment, I promise you all, I’ll write a book, ‘Understanding the Female Mind’ by Daniel Otero and make millions of U.S. dollars or RMB.  Ha, ha!

Like the book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ is the classical demonstration on how males use the left side of their brains to logically think things through; while females use the right in an emotional pattern that confuses [at least] the hell out of me!

But did you know, females 90 percent of the time say one thing and mean another.

There are multiple and contradictory examples, when a female is stalling if she should go to bed with you or not, when she’s saying, “I think we are going too fast!” And by the third date she’s already sleeping with you or has ‘ghosted’ you!  Or the classical one, “You’re so bad/You’re so funny!” It means she likes and finds you charming. Therefore, keep it coming.  Even if your stupid jokes might sound silly.

There is a sad truth, females have been dinged in society by sexual harassment, genes, infidelity or her fears of getting pregnant while single and the abandonment of her male partner.  From these experiences, she’ll try to shield her heart so it doesn’t happen again.  Yes guys, we can sometimes be dogs!  Spoken from the lips of a former philanderer.

Males and females are going in the same direction; however, the male will usually take the shorter path to get there.  The female takes the longest route.  Whether it is to have sex, go shopping or have a meal.

Therefore, what do females expect?  Details, a young lady loves details when you approach her and even with this new brand of confusing feminism, I will still hold the door for anybody; even when I get yelled for it!  Moreover, I give out flowers.  Watch the expression and emotion in females [at least for the majority] when they get flowers, it’s magical.  You’ll hear an “Ooh!” and the sigh of happy satisfaction when the attention is wanted.

With this in mind, a male must exude confidence, to not creep girls out!  You only have 30-seconds to do this, time is of the essence; therefore, don’t over think it gentlemen and waste the moment. “Just do it!” like the Nike commercial says.  Once she gives a smile back, that’s your moment/signal to make contact, like when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.  The man didn’t hesitate, he just did it!  A guy/bloke ought make an approach with a sweet-sensitive smile.  Eye contact is important not to be or seem suspicious.  Eye contact is necessary to express friendly rapport.  Learn to ask about her, don’t make the conversation about you, ya idiot! Keep it going.  She wants to know she’s your center of attention.  She wants know she’s the queen rocking your world!  Therefore, make her feel like one!  Marilyn Monroe said it perfectly, “All a girl wants to feel is that she’s the center of a guy’s attentions and affections,” well stated!

Your money, looks, age won’t make a damn difference if you can’t talk to a female.  I mean, money might help temporarily.  But in reality, if she’s with you only for the money; in the end, you’ll have a gold digger in your hands and this is something to avoid.  I avoid the latter like the plague!

Gentlemen, listen carefully.  Dress to impress.  No good clothes, then your best sports attire.  Have nice shoes, keep your outfits nice and footwear shiny.  Keep yourself clean and clean shaven, just in case you get that goodnight kiss on the cheek or lips.  And your breath in check, bad breath is killer with dates.  Monitor your body odor and make sure you have a good deodorant or cologne.  But don’t over do it on the sweet smells.  Just two touches on the neck of cologne and some underarm deodorant should be fine to last at least eight hours.  You never know how the night might turn out.  Just don’t be a pig or slob!  This will kill your chances.

Moreover, as you meet her, continue asking questions, but say little about yourself. Be mysterious, you can shake hands in the beginning of the introduction and you can touch her shoulder.  Here males ought to learn to touch less, make it brief and only when necessary.  Always gauge whether the touch is wanted or not, not all females are the same, okay!  Trust me, I don’t necessarily believe what a female says.  Sorry ladies!  But guys, whether you believe her or not, respect her wishes and if she tells you, “Don’t touch me,” you take it as if it’s coming from the Almighty Himself!

Still don’t know how to decipher women, then follow the body posture. ‘Actions speak louder than words!’ If you want to know whether she likes you or not and if she’s interested in you. Experiment with these simple techniques. Without her noticing, look at the direction of her body, feet or legs.  Let me brake it down for you: if she’s standing, her torso (this means arms and hands) and feet will be pointed in your direction.  If she’s sitting, her legs will be crossed in your direction or she’ll lean in your direction, while showcasing her charms, like playing with her hair. When her body gestures are away from you, sorry guys, she can be saying, “I love you!” and in reality not like you.

Never appear desperate, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.  Give her options when you ask for her number.  Don’t be forceful or beat around the bush!  Ways to deal with this question, “Yeah, do you come here often?  If so, when could I see you again.  I understand I’m a stranger; but would there be a way to keep in touch with you.” Here you are giving her the options to decide whether she wants to give out her telephone number, we-chat (if you’re in China) or tell you when to meet again. Don’t impose, today’s females love to have options from what they wear, to what they see, the men they want or eat during dates.  When in doubt, just ask!

If she’s not interested, don’t show disappointment or take it personal.  Be the confident male you’re meant to be.  Move on.  If you’re a bachelor, practice these techniques and date till you find the one you’d like to establish a formal relationship with.  Don’t rush it, this experience should be enjoyed like tasting a good wine. Enjoy it slowly and with pleasure.  It should never be about the sex, although for us males its the ultimate goal and for them too, but they just won’t say it openly.  Like the first move and whether we like it or not, males have to do it or lose the opportunity.  Gloria Steinem’s feminism hasn’t changed this simple fact.  It shouldn’t be the end game, but the beginning to something wonderful.  Now go forward and practice!

About the author

Daniel Otero

A New Yorker who has been living in China for the past nine years. He's a freelance writer and ESL teacher.

Former member of the military with extensive travel and living experiences throughout different countries.

Lover of life, good food, travel, writing and dealing with social issues.